How well do I know you?
I think by now, that I know you well.
I’ve told you things that I have never told anyone else
Many of those things have been deeply painful
Many of those things would bring me grief if you ever told anyone else
I guess if you were going to tell, you’d have done it by now
But . . . I’m not sure that I have ever talked to you like this before
And maybe, if I can say everything that I want to say, this conversation will answer my question.
It’ll break it or remake it like it has never been before
And once again, I’ve never talked like this to anyone else
I don’t dare with anyone else
You are probably the closest friend that I have
I just have to say that there are times when I don’t understand why you do the things that you do and why you don’t do some of the things that I know you could do.
I know that while you may never have tried or wanted to hurt me, you have stood by and allowed me to be hurt. I’ve been confused and you’ve just left me that way. I’ve called out to you and you’ve given me the silent treatment. It’s almost like you’ve turned your back and tried to pretend that you don’t hear me. But I know that you do.
I can’t ignore you. I’ve tried. But you are in my face, every way that I turn. You are in my dreams, you are there when I wake up and I lie sleepless at night because I can’t get you out of my mind.
And right now, I’m in one of those places again. I’m worried.
You could calm my fears with a word. Actually there are times when I think that my time is up. I picture my wife as a widow and my children as orphans. It probably will never come to that but it might and I would never stand silent if one of my friends were where I am and I could change things. I’d be right there and I’d fix it if it were in my power to do so.
I know that you have invested much more into this relationship than I have and I guess that will never change. I feel indebted, but I can’t “catch-up”. And if I have to tell you that everything is fine when it’s not then I guess I am just pretending and whatever it is in you, that I thought was love, must be something else.
I’d like to talk to you more about this because I am still upset. But if this means more of the silent treatment then I’ll just quit talking from my heart and we’ll pretend. I’ll say the things that I think you want me to say.
Like, “Bless this food Dear Lord.” or “Thanks for all the blessings that you have given me.” or “I trust you that you’re going to work all this out for my good.”
I’m hoping that you want more than that. Down deep inside I can’t help believing you do???
How well do I know you?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007